May 14, 2025  |    Leave a comment  |    Home

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff members Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were a penthouse, it might have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That is the vision powering Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical advancement-slash-luxurious real estate property calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Certainly, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. Instead of the same old Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're conversing Damascus, the town Traditionally recognized for historic society, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.


"It will be great. Incredible!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golfing cart Zoom call, streamed in the Placing eco-friendly within Mar-a-Lago's Circumstance Bunker. "We've experienced gorgeous ceasefires in Syria. A few of the ideal. But now, we're making them with balconies."



Welcome towards the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca within a falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and fully outside of location. Made by Slovenian firm Ivana & Sons, the tower attributes:




  • A a few-ground On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Happy Hour right up until the drone flies")




  • Along with a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses reported mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 years for potable h2o. But Sure, positive, let's have A different position where American Gentlemen can wear robes and simply call it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains along with a pillow menu, naturally."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international coverage analysts are calling this by far the most audacious peace attempt given that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Even though preceding negotiations unsuccessful underneath the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's system is simpler: provide Anyone a set over the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


In line with documents published on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal contains "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, entire with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is delicate electricity," mentioned political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a deal as well as a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO isn't going to. Geopolitical gridlock requirements fewer diplomats plus more minibar updates."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mostly into gold-plated intercoms set up in each unit. The UN Particular Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination mentioned, "It isn't that Trump shouldn't open up a tower in the war zone. It is that he should really quit employing it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested with regard to the project, replied, "You understand, gentleman, I after rode a camel in Beirut. Fantastic people today. Terrific tan. In any case, do I continue to have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a set for "long run proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred into the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility on the Levant."



Satellite Photos Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit disclosed that the resort's landscaping types a giant Trump head seen from Room, a function getting promoted as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is constructed from refugee tents and also the chin is… effectively, classified.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits after getting the building's gold plating reflected a lot sunlight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and set fireplace to a local melon cart.


"It truly is not just hideous. It's a war crime with curtains," explained Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing as well as other Bewildering Characteristics


Probably the strangest component with the tower is its Melania Wing, which consists of:




  • A silent atrium the place guests may possibly contemplate obscure disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian bedroom, complete with weather Management set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.




Nearby Syrians are Uncertain what to generate of the. "Is she a ghost?" asked 12-yr-previous Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing and advertising Tactic: "If You Bomb It, They are going to Arrive"


The advertisement campaign, just lately leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. A single poster reads:


"Peace is Non permanent. Luxury is For good."


Another slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso retailers:


"A Tower So Big, Even Assad Has to note."


Public reception is wildly divided. A modern SnapPoll performed inside of a hookah lounge exhibits:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this may escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% mentioned "where's the nearest elevator towards the West Lender?"





Investor Praise: "At last, a Crisis That Pays"


The challenge is presently attracting attention from Global buyers, like:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights to be a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who explained he'll buy three penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




According Trump Tower Damascus to a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business stage may also include things like:




  • A Dollar Keep of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Referred to as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Room Depending on the Iraq War





Remark Portion Chaos


Within the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb short article about the unveiling, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can not wait to discover a wedding in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades in lieu of rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Ultimately, a resort wherever my PTSD might have flip-down services."


An additional publish from @KuwaitiKardashian basically requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Impact


U.S. officials be concerned the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Housing Arms Race." Stories recommend:




  • China may well open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is preparing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly made available to develop a Tesla showroom about the Golan Heights run by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. As outlined by https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has presented to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the very best flooring "The Holy See-Level Suite."



Closing Feelings with the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside of a closing ceremony that involved a few camels, a flamethrower, and also a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed more than the speakers:


"Damascus desired hope. It essential gold. It needed a waterslide formed such as Constitution. I gave everything 3. You're welcome."

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